Oh the Relief!

Primary programs are so fun, so why is it just such a nice relief when they are finally over and it all turned out great? I wasn't even the one who wrote and ran the program this year, so I don't know why it stressed me out. Actually in a way it stressed me out more. This is silly, because Cindy is a wonderful and competent and responsible and talented counselor. She did a great job! Yet I worry and it's hard when certain things and preparations are not directly in my hands to make sure they get done. Plus I like things done way ahead of time because last minute stuff makes me panic.

Anyway, hurray for finished primary programs! It was so fun to watch the children rise to the occasion and almost all of them knew their parts perfectly. They spoke and sang from their hearts and I know they were able to touch people and help them feel the Saviors' love today.

The only down side was that we have a pretty small primary here and we went a little short. I am continually humbled in my calling these days, and am learning and growing in ways I never could have otherwise. Yet I still feel very incompetent most of the time and like I just can't do everything as well as I want to. The Bishop assured me when I was called that God knows and loves and values me, and that I don't have to do EVERYTHING. If I just do SOMETHING, He will take that thing and magnify it. I have definitely seen that work, and I am so grateful to not be alone!

The Shock

My favorite quote of the night came from Kaden " I think that looks like a baby dinosaur skeleton....."

We went to Fun Fetal Fotos last night to have an ultrasound done and to finally find out for sure that we are having a little boy, so that people will stop telling me to have a girl. Even Travis has started teasing that we are having a girl more and more lately. It's completely ridiculous that I, a very frugal person, would pay to have an ultrasound, especially less than 2 weeks before our normal US is scheduled anyway. Originally I justified it by saying it would be like a 6 week difference in when we find out, and then called to get in and found out that this is a busy little place....Then I justified it by saying we had already decided to do it, and this way the entire family could be there and I knew they would love that.

I have to say I don't regret it. It really was fun to have all of my boys gathered around us. One of the first things this nice lady said to us, was a comment to Travis. "Well, obviously you are not a pilot!" It was so funny she would think to say that. She was totally surprised when we laughed and said that he actually was. I guess the rumors of pilots mostly having girls have been true in her case. Anyway, it took her 5 seconds of looking before she said "Well, Dad, you finally did it". What in the world was that supposed to mean? I mean I know it sounds like she is saying he is finally having a girl, but come on. We are the Passey Boys and Mom family, aren't we?

But no, apparently there really is a little girl inside there. I haven't let myself even ponder on the possibility of a girl this entire pregnancy. Little thoughts have come and differences I think to myself from my other pregnancies, but I brush the thought away and talk about our little boy. So now I just keep going over "she" and "her" in my head, and it's the weirdest feeling. It will take awhile to get used to the idea. We can talk about names now--where do we start? I always said we'd be in trouble if we ever had a girl, because we have serious issues on agreeing on girl names. Sigh.

Hold on to the moments

We have been delving into our home videos a little bit lately. Like the times when Ammon was just a few months old (with Kaden younger than Micah is now!), and when Ammon was Micah's age and Micah was a newborn. I need to go and find our older videos, too. Anyway, suddenly as I was watching some of those, I saw time zooming by me faster than I control. Tears came to my eyes, and I wanted to cry for happiness and sadness both. I want to keep every one of my boys as my baby, and I saw the stages of my babies turning into big brothers. I felt overwhelmed with how blessed we are and a little panicked about how fast it all goes by and how much faster time seems to be getting every day. I want to know how to savor every moment of their growing up and of every stage better than I sometimes do. I can only imagine what a wreck it would make me to watch these videos as my kids are all teenagers or even worse, gone from the house. Supposedly everyone's kids really do grow up sometime...

I thought how fun it is to have Kaden and Ammon so close but also I realized Kaden was still a baby when he had to give up his baby position. I don't think it hurt him at all, and I still like the though of having them close in the end, but with the last 2 a little more spread out, I really was able to enjoy that fun stage a little longer. And keep my babies babies, maybe not always a good thing, but comforting to me a little.

It was also fun to hear there younger voices and how similar they are to their voices now, and how much their personalities were there even when they were younger. They truly are spirits from God with their own personalities, and I forget sometimes that their personalities are who they are and not how we have parented them. I mean obviously we can influence them and affect them greatly, but they each have truly individual and special traits that came with them. It's fun to see those traits at such an early age and see what they have developed into and wonder how they will manifest in their future selves. Parenthood is such an amazing blessing and experience.

Preschool

Holy smokes, it has been almost a month since my little boy started preschool and I have not said a thing about it. How sad is that? Well, I did take pictures. Ammon is loving preschool. He has been waiting and waiting to be more like his big brothers this way, and it's nice to have just 3 hours a day 3 days a week--I can't imagine if he had started kindergarten and was gone all day every day already! I find it amusing that whenever I ask him his favorite part about school, the answer is "Lunch". Especially since I make his lunch every day and it's not like he gets special food. I think it's just bring a lunchbox and eating with his classmates in a room with very colorful tables...

Okay, we have news...

13 measly weeks! Sheesh

15 weeks

18 weeks
(and way too many pounds later...)

I guess it's not like I have nothing new to post, since I haven't even mentioned this new little life that has been growing inside of me for the past 18 weeks. Frankly, it's what I wanted, but I have been very grumpy about it and I'm just now getting over that. It's hard to feel so completely awful and be quickly getting very pudgy-- and even though you know there is a reason for it, it sometimes doesn't seem like there is most of the time.

But now I suddenly have little energy again, and am not constantly nauseated and dizzy, and I am feeling little movements inside and it finally seems fun and worth it and amazing. It may take the rest of my life to recover the damage done to the house and get back on top of things, but I am also feeling so happy that the weather is so beautiful and not so hot and muggy this week! I know I am going to (and already have) have many moments of wondering what an insane idea this was, and wondering how in the world I can handle another baby when I barely can handle the ones we have been blessed with, but I know we can do this and that it will be a huge blessing for us. I haven't doubted that it's what we are supposed to do. When I panic about the fact that my belly popped out like 6 weeks before it ever did with my last pregnancy, people say "well, it IS your 5th!" But then I think well, if I did already with my 4th, why not with the 5th? The truth is, I was in better shape before Micah, plus I ate really healthy for most of that pregnancy. I feel like I blew it in the first trimester this time around, because truly I have not been eating healthy, but I decided to not give up and am slowly moving back to the healthier way. That's probably half of the reason I have felt so incredibly awful actually.

Anyway, that's our big new. FIVE. Now that sounds like a big family to me. I never thought I would be old enough for that. One reason we haven't told a lot of people very early, is I think subconsciously I want to avoid all the exclamations and claims of others just knowing we are having a girl. That thought has barely crossed our minds as we picture our 5th little boy and think how crazy that is. We are fairly sure, but we will know for more certain in about 5 or 6 days. Not that I am counting. I just want to see this little guy that has been wreaking such havoc in me.